The language of love

I haven't been in too many romantic relationships in my 23 years, but of all the ones I have been in, there is one common denominator: communication. I once heard a counselor use the term "love language" to explain that not everyone sees love the same way. It doesn't matter whether it is a romantic relationship, parental relationship, sibling relationship, or just a friendship. In order for the relationship to work, the two people must be on the same level of communication. It doesn't mean that they have to speak the same "love language," just that they understand each other.

When I was growing up, I would often get frustrated with others for not understanding me when I thought I was making myself clear. However, I now see that they may have understood me well enough, but were expressing themselves in a way that I didn't understand. Often we ask things of others and assume they'll be presented on our terms. When the other person fulfills our requests in a way we didn't expect, it can be frustrating. I'm not talking about the typical this-is-what-you-did,-this-is-how-it-makes-me-feel scenario.

Take, for example, an ordinary dating relationship between a man and a woman. The woman says she wants him to show her more affection. The man starts paying more attention to what he says and does for the woman. He calls her just to say hi, asks her how her day is going, and gives her a hug randomly. The man believes he is doing everything right. But in the woman's mind, she pictured flowers, candy, fancy dinners and romantic movies.

I know my parents love me very much, but they dote on me constantly and always question my judgment and decisions. They're showing love by looking out for me. To me, though, it's frustrating and condescending.

I have had the same best friend since I was in the fourth grade. We now live in separate states, but still keep in touch. I used to feel obligated to send her cards and gifts on birthdays and holidays and write her frequently. I was often disappointed when she didn't return the favor. Yet, if I ever had a problem, she was always there to listen, and she always kept me informed on what was going on in her life. She made sure I never forgot that I was still important to her.

I used to think that if two people spoke different "love languages" that the relationship could never work out. But over the years, I've taken the time to carefully observe the behavior of those close to me. I realize that as long as each person shows their love in the way that is most comfortable for him or her, and neither person has set-in-stone expectations of what must be said or done in order to qualify as love, the relationship has potential.

All relationships take time to develop, and it may take a while to learn each other's "love language". With patience and understanding, it can certainly work.